Don't Close Your Eyes

R2D2

At your service.

I believe in fairytales; and wonderous imaginary friends

talk

archives

credits

she was giving me a lecture on being responsible and stuff.
then she made me stand in front of her in silence for about half and hour.
and then it struck me that
my life is meaningless.
through that half hour I was thinking about my goals in life.
I had none.
then I started thinking about what I am currently doing.
and I asked myself why I was a student.
why was I studying?
and I realised that I had no goal in life.
I realised that there are a million people out there who would like the life I have.
they'd think I should treasure the life I have now.
and I know that I'm possibly a thousand times luckier than millions out there.
but what is the point of my life when there is no point?
what am I working towards?
what would be the difference if I cease existence now?
maybe that my family will be sad.
is that all?
then I don't see why I shouldn't cease to exist now.
it doesn't make much a difference, does it?
all the time, effort I spent making myself perfect?
why?
even now that I've ceased to care,
all they care about is how irresponsible I've become.
I'm fourteen, not three.
true.
but what I care about of life isn't the same anymore.

it just started raining.
and by instinct, I got out of the damn chair and went to close then windows.
then I thought about what I just did.
when I got out of my chair, I didn't realise what I was doing.
I just did it.
maybe if you asked me if I closed the windows an hour later,
I'd probably would not even remember if I did.
why?
life to me, is monotonous.
I don't even see a reason for the little things I do anymore.
like why I wake up in the morning everyday.
and where school's the same to me, whether monday or friday.
I'll just sit and wait for time to pass, to hold it till dismissal time.
then I dread going home, but do so anyway.
homework-I'll leave it to the last minute.
why not?
I don't even see the point of completing it.
but I'll complete it because I know I have to.
because I have to live up to other's expectations.
so then I'll be more perfect in their eyes.
I don't live for perfection.
I detest perfection.
but I have to live to perfection
because I'm living the life of everyone but myself.
I work for THEIR expectations
while I have none of my own.

after that silent half hour with her,
she said:
"what wrong have you done?"
I was shocked.
did she think that for that whole half hour,
I was thinking about that?
crying about that?
for a whole half hour?
if I had been, I would be defiant,
not in tears.

I've changed, true enough.
but because
I don't see the point in living, ANYMORE.

when you start thinking about why you did it,
you'll see that everything isnt what it is anymore.